sleeping – Page 27

Back to Work

I woke last Thursday to our cat Sam walking on my chest. I checked my watch and saw that it was nearly 6 a.m. and knew my wife would be feeding the pets momentarily. I must have immediately fallen back asleep because I woke minutes later to our dog Ellie climbing in beside me, having just finished her breakfast, which doesn’t take long. She waits for me to get up because every morning after I make my breakfast I give her a dental bone, which has become her favorite treat.

Everything seemed normal in those first few moments until I remembered Emma died the night before.

I expected a wave of grief to follow but instead I just felt numb. Unable to go back to sleep, I went down to the basement to scoop the litter boxes and realized I was only scooping for two cats now, but I still felt numb and although I had planned to take the day off from work, began to wonder if I was going to be OK to go in after all.

But then I went up to the main floor to make my breakfast and saw a pen on the counter and started crying. Emma’s medications got complicated enough that my wife made a calendar of what she was taking each morning and night, and we’d use the pen to cross off the medicines as we gave them to her, and towards the end also wrote down her weight and how much baby food she ate each day.

As I walked to the cupboard to get my breakfast and Ellie’s bone a wave of grief hit me. My wife gave Emma her pills at her first morning feeding, which stressed her out enough that she wasn’t always able to eat as much, but she was ready to try again by the time I got up. She’d mill about my feet as I made my breakfast and then I’d sit with her in the kitchen to encourage her to eat as much as she could. So much of our lives towards the end revolved around trying to get her to eat, and now her absence broke my heart.

I grabbed my laptop and sent an email to work to let them know I was taking the next couple of days off. I still hoped I might be able to go in on Friday but I knew as soon as I woke that morning that I wasn’t ready. Each day brought healing and by Saturday afternoon I was ready to take down Emma’s beloved Christmas tree. Sunday I went up to my favorite refuge for part of the day, unsure of how long I’d stay, but I had some nice moments and it brought comfort as it often has before.

I’ve been back to work all week and while it hasn’t been my most productive week, I’ve done OK. If I get too distracted by thoughts of Emma I take a walk around the track across from my office, and had to take an especially long walk today, but it’s getting better.

Looking back through my pictures of her has brought as many smiles as tears this past week and has helped push me down the healing path. I took this picture of her last summer, a day after we adopted Boo and the day my mirrorless camera arrived, and was just playing around with the new camera. She’s asleep on the top shelf of the cat tree, I was laying on the ground shooting up towards the ceiling.

It still hurts that she’s gone and will for a while yet, but I’m so thankful for each day we spent with her.

Sam & Boo Demonstrate the Proper Use of a Cat Bed

In two years Sam has gone from being the youngest of three cats to the oldest of two. He was happiest when he had Scout looking out for him and it took him over a year to adjust to her death. I don’t expect Emma’s death to hit him as hard but they were friends and grew up together and it is having an impact. We’ve found him snuggling with Boo in the cat bed several times, which he hasn’t done before.

Dog in a Cat Bed

Ellie sometimes sleeps in one of our cat beds, which is large enough for two cats but not nearly large enough for a black lab. I don’t mind that she takes their bed, as they are frequently sleeping in her beds, but worry she thinks we’re incompetent dog bed buyers, only she’s too polite to say anything.

Emma 2006-2015

After an unexpectedly severe reaction to her vet visit today, it seemed our sweet little Emma had finally had enough. Enough of the pills, the injections, the hunger, the nausea, her body starving itself to death. She hid in the corner beneath my wife’s desk, something she hadn’t done before. I let her sleep hoping she was just agitated from her shot at the vet and scared from her stress reaction, hoping she would wake up feeling better, but it was not to be.

I brought a pillow down and lay in the darkness nearby to see if she’d climb on my chest and make biscuits on my stomach, a favorite of hers, but she didn’t budge. I went back upstairs and when I came down later saw that she was at the water bowl, hunched over and looking bewildered. When she saw me coming down the stairs she ran and hid under the desk. This wasn’t our Em.

I let her be until my wife got home from work so we could both evaluate her. Emma wouldn’t eat anything, her breathing was heavy, and if we brought her out and held her she’d go right back under the desk when we released her. She hadn’t been eating enough as it was, but at least earlier in the week even though she wasn’t feeling well there were times when she was happy. It seemed now that she was only going to suffer so we took her to the vet to be euthanized.

She died peacefully as we petted her.

To bring an animal into our home, to love them so completely, is to know that one day they will break our hearts. With Em I thought that day was ten years away. She was only eight years old.

Emma Buys Us Some Time

Emma has had three doses of her chemo drug but it will be another one to three weeks before we know if it is helping. For a while there we weren’t sure if she’d survive long enough for it to matter, as her appetite dropped off severely, but she is devouring baby food and her weight and energy levels are rapidly increasing. She’s come up to snuggle at times and even jumped to the top of the cat tree this afternoon. We’re adding a supplement that isn’t in human food and will still try to get her back on cat food. I don’t know how long it will last, and we still need to get to the bottom of what’s causing her illness, but at this point I’ll take any positive news I can get.

Sam the Snuggler

I sometimes think Sam is filled with jelly as he can adapt to whatever position I’m in as he snuggles up to sleep. He’s been sleeping in my lap all evening as I get caught up watching Doctor Who.

The Trials of Lady Em

Emma lost more weight than we expected, started throwing up more than normal, and her appetite dropped off. Despite extensive blood work and an ultrasound (you can see part of her belly that got shaved for the ultrasound) there still isn’t any definitive explanation. We are switching the protein source of her food and giving her anti-nausea medicine and she seems to have stabilized, though she is still well under her normal weight.

She doesn’t appear to be in any immediate danger, and her behavior is normal, but I’ll be a lot happier when her weekly weighings show she’s putting on weight.

Sam in the Darkness

A sleepy Sam on the loveseat in my darkened office.

CAT132 “Advanced Dog Bed Stealing”

Do you steal your dog’s bed, only to find the dog has enough room to snuggle up and impinge on your personal freedoms? Then this class is for you! Professor Boo will show you how one little cat can take up an entire dog bed, leaving plenty of room for you to roll around, or if you’d prefer, get nice and comfortable.

CAT131 “Basic Dog Bed Stealing” is a required prerequisite for this class. Professor Boo takes no responsibility if your dog is a meanie and eats you.

No Worries

Boo in November at about a year old. This picture makes me laugh when I think about the terrified little kitten we brought home just four months prior.