Luminous beings are we.
Tag: Emma
Back to Work
I woke last Thursday to our cat Sam walking on my chest. I checked my watch and saw that it was nearly 6 a.m. and knew my wife would be feeding the pets momentarily. I must have immediately fallen back asleep because I woke minutes later to our dog Ellie climbing in beside me, having just finished her breakfast, which doesn’t take long. She waits for me to get up because every morning after I make my breakfast I give her a dental bone, which has become her favorite treat.
Everything seemed normal in those first few moments until I remembered Emma died the night before.
I expected a wave of grief to follow but instead I just felt numb. Unable to go back to sleep, I went down to the basement to scoop the litter boxes and realized I was only scooping for two cats now, but I still felt numb and although I had planned to take the day off from work, began to wonder if I was going to be OK to go in after all.
But then I went up to the main floor to make my breakfast and saw a pen on the counter and started crying. Emma’s medications got complicated enough that my wife made a calendar of what she was taking each morning and night, and we’d use the pen to cross off the medicines as we gave them to her, and towards the end also wrote down her weight and how much baby food she ate each day.
As I walked to the cupboard to get my breakfast and Ellie’s bone a wave of grief hit me. My wife gave Emma her pills at her first morning feeding, which stressed her out enough that she wasn’t always able to eat as much, but she was ready to try again by the time I got up. She’d mill about my feet as I made my breakfast and then I’d sit with her in the kitchen to encourage her to eat as much as she could. So much of our lives towards the end revolved around trying to get her to eat, and now her absence broke my heart.
I grabbed my laptop and sent an email to work to let them know I was taking the next couple of days off. I still hoped I might be able to go in on Friday but I knew as soon as I woke that morning that I wasn’t ready. Each day brought healing and by Saturday afternoon I was ready to take down Emma’s beloved Christmas tree. Sunday I went up to my favorite refuge for part of the day, unsure of how long I’d stay, but I had some nice moments and it brought comfort as it often has before.
I’ve been back to work all week and while it hasn’t been my most productive week, I’ve done OK. If I get too distracted by thoughts of Emma I take a walk around the track across from my office, and had to take an especially long walk today, but it’s getting better.
Looking back through my pictures of her has brought as many smiles as tears this past week and has helped push me down the healing path. I took this picture of her last summer, a day after we adopted Boo and the day my mirrorless camera arrived, and was just playing around with the new camera. She’s asleep on the top shelf of the cat tree, I was laying on the ground shooting up towards the ceiling.
It still hurts that she’s gone and will for a while yet, but I’m so thankful for each day we spent with her.
Are You Ready to Rock?
Tree Lover
Emma
Seven years ago in December, the day after my wife and I flew back from my grandmother’s funeral, our cat Templeton unexpectedly had to be euthanized. A couple of weeks later when we had some time off for Christmas, we decided to adopt another cat or two from the Oregon Humane Society to keep our cat Scout company. I made a list of all the cats that they thought might do well in a multi-cat home and off we went.
I wanted a black cat as I think they’re beautiful and had never had one (my wife had one before we met), and they had several adorable black kittens, so we requested to see one. But earlier my wife had seen a little orange kitten, a bit older than the others, who wasn’t in the playroom with the younger kittens but in a cage by himself. She decided she wanted to see him first, so we canceled the request for the black kitten and had them bring the orange one instead. He purred even as they brought him into the meeting room and snuggled all over us, and we knew we had found the first cat to adopt.
I was amused by the way a young black cat was sleeping in one of the rooms, and since she was on the list and we had already settled on one young kitten, asked to see her instead of one of the black kittens. She was shy when they brought her into the room, shy but sweet, and she was coming home with us.
The orange kitten we named Sam. The black cat we named Emma.
The Humane Society had some temporary cardboard cat carriers that had been festively decorated for the holidays and we soon discovered just how temporary her carrier would be. Once home we left her in it briefly while setting up her room and soon discovered Emma hanging halfway out of the side of the carrier, having chewed a hole in the side large enough to get halfway out but not quite large enough to make her escape.
We freed her once we her room was ready and so began our wonderful journey together.
I have many fond memories of Emma but one of the most treasured is from a couple of years ago when Scout died unexpectedly at just twelve years old. Scout and I had an unusually close bond, she usually was within arm’s reach when I was home, and her death was quite difficult for me. At the same time work was extremely hectic and left me frazzled each day for months on end. Sam had grown quite close to Scout and often snuggled on my lap so he could be close to both of us. Her death affected him deeply too and while he didn’t stop snuggling with me completely, he often went off on his own, leaving me at times alone in my office.
Emotionally it was a brutal winter and spring and it’s hard to look back on that time with any fondness but for this: Emma came to my rescue. While she had always hung out with me at times, now she was frequently snuggled up on my legs, either stretched out lengthwise or adorably snuggling with her arms wrapped around a leg. She would never curl up in my lap or on my chest, she seemed to always consider that the territory of Scout and Sam, but my legs became her home. Sometimes she’d snore when she fell asleep, quietly of course, because everything Emma did was quiet. What comfort she brought during a long and difficult period of my life.
She loved making biscuits on my stomach and during that time kicked into high gear, endlessly kneading my stomach as she closed her eyes and purred. She’d start standing up and would eventually rest on her haunches but she’d never lay down completely, even though it seemed like a part of her desperately wanted to. Sometimes she’d bend her front legs so close to my chest that I thought she’d lie down, but for whatever reason she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. I kept telling her the spot was hers if she wanted it, that she’d be so much happier if she’d just lie down, but she never would. But she’d keep on kneading, even drooling because it made her so happy, purring her beautiful purr.
I figured in a year or two she’d relent and lie down and turn into a full-fledged lap cat. Sadly she didn’t have that long. While there were times in the last few months when she finally did lie down in my lap or on my chest, she never relaxed and never stayed long, always moving a few feet down to my legs where she felt most comfortable, and there she’d purr and settle in.
In the last few weeks of her life after she stopped eating cat food my wife discovered she’d devour baby food. I was off work for several weeks at Christmas and Em and I developed a charming ritual where when she wanted to eat she’d silently walk into my office, I’d get up and follow her into the kitchen, and she’d eat a jar of baby food. If she came in so quietly that I didn’t hear her, she’d give a single quiet chirp to get my attention. I’d sit with her as she ate to make sure the other pets, all confused by how Em had cracked the magic code to get fed whenever she wanted, didn’t steal her food. This quiet dance would repeat every hour or two and she quickly began putting on weight.
But as heartwarming as this routine was when she was eating, it was equally heartbreaking when she wasn’t. As her disease progressed eventually she couldn’t eat much of even the baby food. She was clearly hungry and would come in to ask me to feed her, but when I did she’d eat only small amounts if any at all. She’d look at me as if to say she wanted to eat but couldn’t, and could I find something to get her to eat the way we had the other times? I had to look at her with tears in my eyes and tell her that after all of the medicines and baby food, we were out of options.
I knew then that we had little chance to save her, but Emma had one last gift to give me.
One night near the end, I wanted to stay up in case she was able to eat a bit more, as our only hope was to get her to eat every bit of food she could. Worn out physically and emotionally, I collapsed on the couch, mostly flat on my back but with my head angled up. Emma came into my office but instead of silently waiting for me to feed her, she climbed straight onto my chest and laid down without hesitation, finally claiming the spot as her own. With her face next to mine, she purred so happily as I stroked her back, over and over again, until at long last we both fell asleep.
She didn’t live much longer but I’ll treasure that moment for the rest of my life.
You were deeply loved, Em, and you’re deeply missed.
Emma 2006-2015
After an unexpectedly severe reaction to her vet visit today, it seemed our sweet little Emma had finally had enough. Enough of the pills, the injections, the hunger, the nausea, her body starving itself to death. She hid in the corner beneath my wife’s desk, something she hadn’t done before. I let her sleep hoping she was just agitated from her shot at the vet and scared from her stress reaction, hoping she would wake up feeling better, but it was not to be.
I brought a pillow down and lay in the darkness nearby to see if she’d climb on my chest and make biscuits on my stomach, a favorite of hers, but she didn’t budge. I went back upstairs and when I came down later saw that she was at the water bowl, hunched over and looking bewildered. When she saw me coming down the stairs she ran and hid under the desk. This wasn’t our Em.
I let her be until my wife got home from work so we could both evaluate her. Emma wouldn’t eat anything, her breathing was heavy, and if we brought her out and held her she’d go right back under the desk when we released her. She hadn’t been eating enough as it was, but at least earlier in the week even though she wasn’t feeling well there were times when she was happy. It seemed now that she was only going to suffer so we took her to the vet to be euthanized.
She died peacefully as we petted her.
To bring an animal into our home, to love them so completely, is to know that one day they will break our hearts. With Em I thought that day was ten years away. She was only eight years old.
Emma is Running Out of Time
For a few weeks, my wife’s suggestion to try baby food when our cat Emma stopped eating cat food worked miracles. We mixed in taurine since that’s something cats need that isn’t in baby food and she ate eagerly to the tune of 7 to 9 jars a day. She went from 7.7 pounds to 9.5 pounds and while her energy levels were still pretty low, they improved from where they had been. It was remarkable to see after watching her waste away for months.
On the other hand, the chemo we started a few weeks ago didn’t seem to be helping with the underlying disease. And now she’s lost her appetite for even baby food. I think the end of her life is near.
I took her to the vet today for blood work to see if the chemo had damaged her bone marrow, which it can in rare cases. She also got an injection of the anti-nausea medicine we’ve been giving her, as with her digestive issues she may not have been absorbing enough of the medicine from the pills. She wants to eat, even comes into my office to ask me to feed her, but she just can’t eat much at once.
After we got back from the vet so when I got home I let her out of her carrier, went to the bathroom, and went to check on her. She was sprawled in the middle of the basement floor where she doesn’t usually sleep, not moving, and her eyes were unresponsive and staring straight ahead. Fearing she had died I ran down the steps and was relieved to see she was alive but her breaths were shallow and rapid. I called the vet and they thought it might be a stress reaction and to check her gums and bring her in if her breathing didn’t return to normal in 10 minutes.
Her gums were a healthy pink and her breathing did slowly calm down, but it’s shaken her up. She was rather irritated with me after she recovered and went down into my wife’s office where it was dark, then back into the corner under the desk. I’m checking on her occasionally but mostly just letting her sleep, as today was unexpectedly hard on her.
She hasn’t eaten since she came home, hopefully she’ll perk up this evening after she’s had a good rest. I’ve stayed home from work the past two days to encourage her to eat, and will stay home the rest of the week as well, as I think her time is running out.
It’s breaking my heart.
Emma Buys Us Some Time

Emma has had three doses of her chemo drug but it will be another one to three weeks before we know if it is helping. For a while there we weren’t sure if she’d survive long enough for it to matter, as her appetite dropped off severely, but she is devouring baby food and her weight and energy levels are rapidly increasing. She’s come up to snuggle at times and even jumped to the top of the cat tree this afternoon. We’re adding a supplement that isn’t in human food and will still try to get her back on cat food. I don’t know how long it will last, and we still need to get to the bottom of what’s causing her illness, but at this point I’ll take any positive news I can get.
All I Want For Christmas
Emma’s struggles continue and she’s in a fight for her life. Her last hope is a chemo drug that she’ll start tomorrow. We weren’t sure she’d make it long enough to start treatment as last night and this morning she didn’t want to eat much. My wife had the brilliant idea to get some baby food and she’s been eating that today. It’s a stop-gap solution but we’re just trying to keep her strong enough that we can see if the new medicine will help.
All I want this Christmas is for Emma to be healthy again. Here she’s sleeping under the Christmas tree, in previous years she’d spend most of the holidays under the tree but now that she’s sick she’s only there occasionally. It’s been so hard to see my sweet little Em slowly waste away.
Ups & Downs
Emma’s struggles with bowel disease continue. While on the maximum steroid dosage her appetite returned to the point that she was eating several times her normal amount and at least stopped losing weight, even if she wasn’t gaining it. But as we tapered off the steroids the vomiting and loss of appetite returned, so we put her back on the maximum dose.
Her appetite returned and she seemed again to be holding her own but she had a rough night last night full of vomiting and diarrhea. This morning she wouldn’t touch her food and had no energy, although at least she was still drinking water. She had another visit to the vet with some injections and came home a little feisty, which was good to see as this morning I was afraid we were losing her.
She ate some tonight and just came up and kneaded my stomach for a while and purred and purred. She was even getting pretty talkative, unusual for our quiet cat, and now she’s sleeping beside me. It did my heart good to see my little buddy happy again, now we just need to get her healthy too.










